The Hard, Messy, Complex, and Beautiful Plight of Surrender

There’s a certain word that has been stalking me lately in my faith journey. It quietly follows behind me with intention. For every step I take, it takes one too. It stops when I stop, staring at me. It gives me space to make sure it’s not intrusive but close enough where it’s presence is definitely known. 

If at all possible, I don’t want to have anything to do with this word. So, I run from it but I know that I can’t run forever. 

I can’t report this word to the cops to have it arrested or a restraining order against it. Crazy part is, this word’s modus operandi is making sure I’m arrested. Completely and totally. 

This word is...surrender. 

It’s a complicated word because of the negative connotation it carries. When I think of this word I think of resigning, giving up, waving the “white flag” in defeat because I wasn’t good enough, strong enough to fight the battle I’m fighting. Typically, in a war, whenever there’s surrender, there’s capture and it means being at the will and mercy of the capturer. 

Surrender is often spoken about in the Bible. It’s people who find themselves in much wilder and outrageous situations than you and I would probably ever go through as their hearts are tested to see if what they desire most can be given up back to the one Who gave it. 

The pinnacle of what surrender looks like is when Jesus died on the cross for humanity’s sins. One of the things that I love about the gospel is how raw and real it was. Just because Jesus surrendered, doesn’t mean that it was easy for Him. 

I can imagine the internal wrestle that Jesus engaged in the garden of Gethsemane and how real, personal, and visceral it was. His divinity and humanity waging a fierce war with each other to the point where Jesus’ body had no choice but to sweat out drops of blood. But in the end, He ultimately surrendered to His Father’s will giving us the eternal life that He said we would have.

In a biblical context, surrender seems like a beautiful word because the result was given. Those who surrendered saw what God did their lives and were blessed. What people don’t tell you in the dark side to surrender. Surrender is messy, difficult, complex and the cost that comes with it feels like death. 

Like Jesus, I was in spiritual time loop where I constantly found myself having “Garden of Gethsemane” moments. While there weren’t any drops of blood, there was spiritual conflict and even some torment. 

With the past few years have been extremely difficult for me, the pain of dealing with so much change and personal pain was entirely too much. To circumvent the pain, I wanted to take matters into my hands and do things my way. I wanted to be in control because God having control look anything but. I was terrified of letting Him be in control because I thought that surrendering to Him meant making my life worse that it already was. 

I had goals, dreams, and ambitions that I wanted to fulfill and I wasn’t ready to give it up for anyone. The pain and trauma that I carried from these past years and even in my childhood were going to be under my domain to control. I had to hold onto them because nothing felt safe anymore. 

It wasn’t until recently, a serious issue that almost tore at the seems of marriage backed me into a corner where a choice had to be made. While striving and self-determination had my back, surrender quietly made its appearance showing me that I had another option. In that moment, I wrestled with my fears and having to choose my hard because both options had a cost and would involve loss. 

Ultimately, I chose surrender and it’s been taking me on a journey that I never expected. 

Lessons in the Thick of Surrender

It’s been some time since I’ve made the choice to surrender to God all the things that were happening in my life. This includes the deep, dark, hidden stuff I had locked away. While I may not be an “surrenderologist” (I know that’s not a word) or an expert in surrender, I can share what I know and what’s I’ve experienced so far. 

Surrender is a Daily Choice

First, the choice to surrender is not just a one time thing. I’m presented with this choice every single day. This is where the whole “free will” idea comes in. Yes, I can choose not to surrender to God but what will be the alternative? To go back to the life of control and self-determination which I had already tried and failed miserably at? It’s true that going my own way feels safe and comfortable because it’s what I’m used to but I was presented with a better way, why wouldn’t take it?

If I can be honest, there are days that I don’t want to surrender. Sometimes the pain gets too much but I know that every day and every minute I’m choosing to surrender, better is on the other side whether I see it now or later. 

Transparency in Surrender Leads to Trust

*I’m sure the super-saved Christians are going to judge me hard for this one but God already knows about it. 

My refusal to surrender to God was rooted in fear, disappointment, trauma, and distrust. I knew what the Bible said about trusting in God (Hello, Proverb 3:5-6). Although, my mind had the knowledge and agreement that God should be trusted, my heart still had a difficult time processing it. 

Surrender was scary to me because I was afraid of what I was going to lose in the process. Control felt like a safety blanket to me even thought it was damaging my soul in the process. I was afraid that God was going to give me something that I hated or didn’t want if I surrendered while calling it “good.” I was afraid that God was a borderline sadist because I was sinful, which was totally wrong thinking. 

With MUCH prayer (which has become a powerful lifeline to surrender), I learning to disclose everything, the good, bad, ugly about how I feel about surrendering to Him and how much it scares me. God doesn’t condemn nor shame me for my transparency. However, He compassionately and gently corrects me as we searched His word together. It was in these moments, I develop a deeper trust in Him which allows me to surrender more and more to Him. 

God Is With Me in the Loss

As I’m surrendering more of myself and my life to Him, I am experiencing loss. Some of these losses feel so great because I took them as a part of my identity. I’ve never had open heart surgery before (and don’t plan to) but spiritually I liken this journey to this. Every cut, incision, removal in my soul, I feel. Some of these losses do need to be grieved and I’m am grieving them. However, God is giving me the medicine and pain reliever to heal or replace what was loss with something better. 

There’s Beauty In the Thick of Surrender

Before making the decision to surrender, I was so focused on all the losses I would if I were to surrender while not seeing the beauty in it. I had it in my mind that there’s nothing beautiful about surrender. It’s messy, complex and the losses feel like death. While there is some truth to this because surrender is practically death to the flesh, surrender is showing streaks of light in the darkness of death. 

God is teaching me that not every loss is a hard one. Some of the losses that I’m experiencing should’ve been done away with a long time ago. I was carrying the unnecessary weight of things that were NEVER mine to carry in the first place. When I surrender my burdens or even the burdens of other people to God, there’s a glory that replaces me giving them over to Him. I become more free and lighter looking to God as the sole burden bearer because He’s built for it, not me. 

In the moments of where I’m hurting from the loss of surrender, healing from the hurt of what I’ve been carrying for years, I’m scared, angry, or confused, God’s presence remains the constant as everything around me and in me changing. Sometimes this doesn’t necessary take the pain away because God will often sit with me in my pain. However, it just shows that in the loss and death, God is the constant light. 

Surrender is serious deep heart work. I don’t condemn or shame those who walk with Christ that are afraid to surrender to God. It’s never easy and I know that there are many of others who feel the same way I did or still do and trying to find their way.

Just know that God understands. Maybe surrender has been stalking you too. Let it arrest you. Control will only lock you in the bondage you’re gripping tightly on. Take one step. Surrender one thing. 

Even in the messy, difficult, complex, deathly, and beautiful plight of surrender, with God, the healing and freedom that I’ve been experiencing so far is worth it. 

Something for you to think about...

What is one thing that you know you need to surrender to God? How easily would it be to surrender what He’s requiring to Him? How much do you trust Him? Pray or write out your fears, doubts, questions, and apprehensions to God today. Be HONEST. Remember, He can handle it. 

Let me know what small or big steps you’ve taken.